A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize