Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
