saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
