He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
