the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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