just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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