I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
