I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
