Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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