How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
