dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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