You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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