it was like his penis was on wheels.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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