Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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