Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
