I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
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I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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