I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
