I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
