Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
