I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
