Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
