Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
