would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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