first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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