He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
There's always time for handjobs
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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