stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
