shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
