You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
