i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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