Already got asked if we're dating
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
