My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
