my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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