Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
