im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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