I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
are you so shy because you have an std?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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