Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
