I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
