So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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