I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
