Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
you would pick up someone in the library
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
