it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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