covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
