I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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