she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
