i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
