Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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