the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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