Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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