I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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