I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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