On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
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