Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Cover your peen. We're going out.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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