If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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