Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
