At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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