The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
